Serving a goodbye

Everything's been so hectic lately. So much is swirling around i think i'm choking. My love life is diminishing by the second and somehow i'm glad things are ending but at the same time, i know 5 years isn't something i can erase and replace. Yes i admit i'm quite hard to be with sometimes and that i say nasty things. But that's really cause i've had it up to here and sometimes i just want things to end so i never go back to feeling as miserable and hurt. I'm not saying he wasn't a good boyfriend but we had our ups and downs. Mostly all i remember are the downs. I use the breakup technique at every corner, although i don't say it just for the sake of saying it, i actually mean it. Feeling constantly hurt and so horrible isn't something i want to live with. Its like walking around aimlessly but yet every single time i jump right back in because i know i love him and that kinda conquers all. Misery doesn't leave you, you don't command it. He has a way of getting to me and when that happens, i feel powerless somehow in a sense that i don't have the patience to keep trying.

I for one am the kind of girl who tries to evade misery everytime i see it coming. And this truly is the only relastionship i've stretched myself so far to ensure every detail of respect revolves around him. Over one lie i blew up. Its not the lie that matters, its the intention. No matter how little the lie is, it makes a person think twice. You know there's a possiblity no matter how great or small for it to happen again and its not something you want to face, or rather i could face. Break ups are hard, especially when the other person keeps giving you the icy shoulder and you're let suspending over nothing by nothing to figure out why. I don't think i have a problem of letting go, i just feel like knowing why he's acting this way is a necessity. I dated him for 5 years, its not smething we just put behind ourselves in an instant and expect to live like it never existed. If we're gonna part, i want it to be on good terms. For us to come clean, so we can both start on a clean slate. Chapters are meant to end, so i'm hoping he'll do me that favour. For once he surprised me, he told me he didn't want to work things out. I was taken a back for a pinch while and i was waiting for the pain to sink it but till now it hasn't. Maybe it was because my certainty was already shaken and whatever the answer was, it didn't make such a huge difference. My hopes weren't crushed in any way.

I do appreciate him, i honestly do. Looking back at all the little things he did for me. Like making a paper rose together 4 over years ago and it still stands in his bathroom, him surprising me with godivas to make up to me, waking up to a scrambled eggs breakfast served up with a smile, getting me stuff from overseas, buying me things unexpectedly but among them all, i really treasure those memories that were just simply him. No presents, no surprises, just plain ol' him reminding me that he loves me. That sums up a smile. I guess in this relationship, my expectations varied, my thoughts matured and i think i'm a lot stronger than i ever was. He isn't everyone's typical boyfriend. His ignorance was what really ticked me off but when they say you love someone for who they are? I guess that's it. no matter how mad he made me, i bounced back every single time. I'm glad he decided to end things. Like he said, it was good while it lasted.

True, i still miss him & i might for awhile but when things end, we all have to abide to change. There are so many questions running through my mind only he can answer them and i'm hoping he'll do all that tonight.

Wish me luck! :)

sorry for the extremeo long wordy post!
Thanks for being there everyone <3